Forgiveness…is one of those practices that is easier said than done…would you agree?
Ever wonder why forgiving is such a tough thing to do, especially when we most likely know that forgiveness puts us on the road to more love and freedom?
Primarily, it’s because many of us equate forgiveness with allowing or letting someone off the hook for wrongdoing. We think that by forgiving someone, we’re saying that what they did was okay.
Forgiveness can look like we’re condoning the other person’s behavior. It’s easy to get caught up in the thought, “Why should I forgive? What was done to me was wrong/horrible/unforgivable! He/she doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”
And I get it, I was in that space when I was married and discovered my husband was cheating. But here’s the thing – forgiveness is more about YOU than the other person.
Leading prosperity expert, Catherine Ponder, has a great quote supporting this truth,
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
So, in actuality, when we are able to forgive, we release ourselves from the bondage of the anger, hurt, resentment and possibly deep-seated pain we carry inside. Those feelings can keep us stuck and unable to move forward in our lives. For instance, if a past relationship caused you tremendous pain, you may be unconsciously sabotaging potential new relationships because you’re emotionally unavailable as you try to protect yourself against further hurt. By not being able to release and let go of what happened in the past, you keep yourself closed off from the love, joy and happiness you most desire.
How can you move on without believing you’re condoning what’s happened in the past?
Here’s an important question for you…..
Do you say no when you need or want to say no? Or do you find yourself caving to everyone’s requests and demands and then feeling exhausted and resentful?
Are you the life support system to everyone around you? Be it your kids, your boss, your partner, your friends – letting all of them run you? If so you are definitely not alone lovely!
If this is you, It’s time to learn how to set some boundaries beautiful – and take back your power!
Perhaps you’re a perfectionist, people-pleaser or hard on yourself – and if that’s the case, you are going to have to stretch yourself a bit because it may feel uncomfortable at first. However, it will absolutely lead you to a happier, healthier life of emotional freedom.
You may also be like a lot of the people I work with (myself included) and want microwave results. I totally get it, once you decide you want change you want to see instant results. Here’s the thing about that – there is no such thing as instant boundaries – it’s a process. Performance and emotional research has found there is a process of steps involved that bring us this growth. It doesn’t happen overnight.
If you’re a gardener you know you can’t make flowers grow overnight – you have to plant the seed, water, nurture and wait – it takes a season. The same is true with any new behavior you want to adopt or any change you want to make. You have to have a season mentality.
You might be thinking, how do you even set a boundary? Maybe it feels scary or daunting. Well good news doll – there are defined steps you can take to help you start setting your boundaries now and I am thrilled to share them with you!
Let’s take a look at them now so you can start to create a healthier life with more ease and grace!
Here are the 9 steps necessary to create successful boundaries (according to Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend). AND all the steps are necessary – you can’t skip a step lovely!
#1 Identify the sickness – where do you feel that things are going awry? And sometimes we can’t identify this – and if that’s the case ask friends or family or a professional – some outside eyes that can see things more clearly and help you see where your life is out of control.
#2 Connections – we need people around us to support us in this process. People who tell you it’s ok to say no! People who love you, and want you to have freedom. A cool support system that celebrates your growth! If you don’t have this, seek a pastor or a coach.
#3 Receive the good – all the Ingredients that others can give you – things like grace, validation of your feelings, understanding your feelings, empathy, encouragement, truth. Your safe friends give you these ingredients but you may need to ask for them – don’t just expect others to read your mind. Asking can be hard or embarrassing but your support system would love to be there for you!
#4 Identify the root of grief – asking yourself, how did I get here? This nice person who is always trying to make others happy? I didn’t come out of the womb this way! You have to look into your family of origin – mom, dad, siblings – did they say it was ok for me to be angry, ok to make a choice? Also look at significant relationships like teachers and coaches and friends. We are the product of the people we hang out with. Then you have to learn how to grieve and let go, feel the pain of it and walk away.
#5 Forgiveness – after you grieve you want to say, “I cancel the debt with all the people who didn’t allow me to say no or have choices or hurt me when I tried to make choices.” We may have resentment or want to get even but it’s in your highest interest to let it go. You don’t have to love, like or trust them (because trust is earned), but you have to say, “you don’t owe me anything. You broke my boundary line but I’m going to fix it. I am letting it go.” Be the person who forgives.
#6 Take ownership – this means saying, “this is my burden. Learning boundaries is my burden”. Get out of the blame game. Avoid saying to others, “you don’t listen to me or respect me” because you know what? The truth is they aren’t listening or showing respect because they don’t feel the need to. Actually they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. Going into blame escalates the situation. Instead just say, “no you don’t have to do this but here’s what will happen if you choose not to___________(fill in the blank).
#7 Say no to the bad – now you can set your boundaries. However you don’t want to test the waters first with the person who is your biggest nemesis. Start with someone you trust. Make it something small like, “I don’t want to go to that restaurant, or I don’t like cream in my coffee I prefer it black, or I don’t like your tone of voice, or I don’t want to spend the money this way I would like to have a choice here.” Get your feet wet with someone you already have a safe or secure relationship with.
#8 Failure – hallelujah for failure! You have a learned behavior of giving, giving, giving so doing something different is going to feel uncomfortable and you are going to slip up as you learn this new skill. Don’t be afraid of failure. Practice, practice, practice! There is grace for your failings. Remember, failure is learning. Don’t let perfectionism take over. You will be clunky – don’t let that get you off track! Have good people around you that will be there to help dust you off and get back up.
#9 Return to step #1 – we are layered like onions and there is always opportunity to grow. As you age you become a different person due to all your experiences. So for example things might be better now in your relationship but now it’s about your career. That means you are going deeper into that onion – peeling another layer off – we always have layers to work on.
What generally happens for people is that when you are first working on boundaries you might be putting out fires or crises and start to get some stability. After these are all under control ask God to search your heart and do some internal work – like the fears, pain and hurt – this is when the real work begins. That’s the pay off! Creating boundaries with Self will get you where you want to go and bring you the greatest transformation.
Believing in you! You can do this beautiful!
Last week we talked about solutions and reflections on being blind-sided in a relationship. You read my 7 “takes-two-to-tango” behaviors that created crumbs and added to the demise of my marriage. Many of you emailed sharing your light bulb moments and how these realizations had changed your perspective on your relationships. Receiving your messages brought such joy to my heart I want you to know I am celebrating YOU and looooove hearing about your growth!
Speaking of growth, let’s dig into another layer. Are you in? Remember, love, peace and freedom are on the other side!
Good for you if you are still reading! That means you understand if you want to get different results in your life you have to look within – in all area’s of your life.
So let’s start excavating!
This is for all you ladies who have ever found yourself in a situation with a partner where things have suddenly changed, make no sense and you feel confused and uncomfortably disconnected. He says he loves you but he’s not in love with you anymore and needs some space…away from you. Ugghhhh – like daggers to the heart.
You’re totally taken by surprise because you are certain you’ve done everything right and everything was fine up until this “out of the blue” blow blindsided you.
You tell your friends and family and they’re shocked because you had this “seemingly” great relationship and it’s everyone’s opinion, including yours, that this is clearly all about HIS issues. It’s obvious this has nothing to do with you and so you sit and wait, and wait, and wait (feeling very dis-empowered and frustrated) for him to figure things out and change.
Have you ever been there? Or maybe it’s happening now? If you are still reading, I’m guessing it has, and it’s no fun. Trust me I know because it happened to me and over the last decade I’ve spoken to thousands of women who this has happened to too. Without question, it’s heartbreaking.
Some of you may be shocked by what you’re about to read next…
Some of you may be shocked by what you’re about to read next- and may not like it -because it’s uncomfortable or painful or something you don’t want to admit or look at, but it’s a truth that will ultimately help you move forward. Here it is ladies…relationships are never one-sided. It always takes two to tango. As hard as that is to hear, and as justified as you may feel denying it, it’s an indisputable truth.
You might be having some choice thoughts about me right now, and that’s ok, I get it – I’ve been there, believe me, I know how you feel. When someone has disconnected from you, maybe betrayed you, lied to you, broken your trust and hurt you it’s super easy to point the finger of blame and focus all your attention on him and what he’s done.
However, a wise woman once said to me, every time you point a finger at someone else, remember you’ve got three pointing back at yourself.
Wow that’s a hard pill to swallow, especially when you feel like the victim, right?
But here’s how it goes – when you are drunk with denial, there comes that inevitable moment when the truth finds you and smacks you sober. This is exactly what happened to me. And as awful as this awakening was, it was truly a blessing in disguise.
When you’re able to take a nanosecond break from blaming him guess what can happen? A surprising sliver of enlightenment will slip in. It was a HUGE “aha” for me – I started to see my dirty laundry, what MY part was in this life-changing reality.
Here are the top 7 “takes two to tango” behaviors that contributed to the demise of my marriage:
- I was controlling
- I was “the fixer”
- Rarely set boundaries and if I did, I didn’t enforce the consequences
- Allowed a lot of his poor behavior to be swept under the carpet.
- Always “the planner”
- Leaned way more into the male role than the feminine (easy to do as a mom or career gal)
- Complained when my expectations weren’t met
And yet by doing all these things I thought I was doing all the right things – sound familiar?
I had no clue I had usurped his masculinity. Wow that was a shocking revelation. Some of you may relate to this and perhaps find yourself engaging in some of these behaviors too. Let’s face it, women are so capable and we step in for various reasons but it can be to our detriment – especially in a heterosexual relationship.
Or maybe nothing from this list describes you – in that case I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“In what way have I contributed to this situation?”
Listen for the answer. If you are having a hard time figuring it out – take the elevator in your mind to a higher power – whatever that is for you – God/The Infinite/Source – and ask the above question. You will get an answer.
I share this with you in the hopes it will save you days, weeks, months, even years of pain. If you’re willing to open to the possibility that you have or had (this can help with past relationships too) a part in your relationship changing it will catapult your healing and understanding of the situation.
Because the truth is you can never change the other person, you can only change yourself – that’s where your point of power lays. What I know is this is the BEST way to shift the dynamics of your partnership. If you’re in, commit to taking your focus off your partner and shine the light of awareness on your own beautiful Self. Empowerment and happiness awaits you – I promise:)
Do you ever feel like your life needs a make-over or something to reconnect you to your fabulous vibrant, confident, fun-filled self?
When I was married and discovered my husband was leading a double life with another woman – I remember feeling like a blow up doll whose plug got pulled. All life left my body…It was devastating. Heart-breaking. Shocking.
Although the divorce was painful it was even more painful to realize I had lost myself and my fun feminine spirit…I felt so lost. I needed a bridge to a new life – a makeover…and so it began!
My journey was (and still is) amazing – giving me the passion and the reason for my business and mission today – helping women discover their inner sparkle, believe in their magnificence, connect with their fun, sensual, feminine self, and overcome the limiting beliefs that keep them from the loving relationship and life they desire.
There was a point in my makeover that I had a profound realization-it was successful because of all the wonderful guidance, support and inspiration I received and invested in along the way.
You deserve the same opportunity and that’s why I’m opening my calendar today and tomorrow, to be of the best service I can be to you (for FREE). It’s important to me to help other women going through a big life change or wanting to make a leap but not knowing how or where to begin.
We all need help – so if you find yourself feeling stuck, stagnant, or saying to yourself, “something’s gotta give,” click here to book a chat with me, it would be an honor to share what I’ve learned. This conversation will give you the steps you need to create the life you crave:))
To wonderful sparkling new you,
Last week I fulfilled one of my bucket list dreams – hiking the Grand Canyon Rim to Rim! Wow what an amazing experience! We started on the North Kaibab Trail at 4am with nothing but our headlamps lighting the way. After a challenging 14 miles downhill we arrived at Phantom Ranch where we caught our breath for a day and had a chance to rest our wobbly and sore muscles! Then we climbed up Bright Angel Trail for 10 miles ( the last 3-4 miles being steep, steep, did I say steeeeeeeeeep, switchbacks!) Oy!!!!!
Whoohooo was I ever elated to reach the top of the south rim!! It was sure a sweet moment and one that will always make my heart smile. But believe you me, reaching this dream wasn’t always easy! There were challenges and times I wanted to quit and that’s what I want to talk to you about today.
YOU most likely have a dream or something really significant that you would love to see happen in your life. And what I learned and want to share with you is this; set yourself up with a highly developed mindset for success. It’s crucial to keep the end result in the forefront of your mind! Staying in a high vibration will help you stay connected to the completion of your dream.
That said, today, we focus on how you can develop mindfulness around your vibrational energy – one of my favorite topics – by making small changes in your daily life.
Last month, we began looking at charisma, that divine sparkle that makes us irresistible to others and acts as a powerful magnet to attract more love, joy, and fun into our lives! In my last post, Why You Should Stop Comparing Yourself to Others, I explained how comparing yourself can zap your self-confidence and leave you feeling disconnected from your charismatic nature. But comparison isn’t the only trap that gets us.
For many of us, the way we lose the connection to our charisma is by caring way too much about what other people think. When you get caught up in other peoples’ opinions, you abandon yourself and create an imbalance in your soul, making it impossible for your charisma to shine through.
Why Do We Care So Much About What Other People Think?
Tens of thousands of years ago, when humans were living in hunter-gatherer societies, what other people thought often meant the difference between being embraced and cared for or shunned and abandoned.
The desire to be accepted is deeply rooted in our survival patterns, so it makes sense that we sometimes worry we’re flawed, not good enough or people please to be liked/loved. But here’s the thing: that survival pattern doesn’t hold up in today’s society. It’s time to let go of that anxiety, embrace a higher way of thinking, and build up your inner validation of Self.
You Can’t Change What Other People Think
In last month’s post, Free Yourself by Becoming More Accepting of Others, I wrote that when you try to make other people conform to your rigid expectations, you communicate the belief that you’re not OK unless they change their behavior. Working to convince someone to believe something different about you communicates the same idea.
Several years ago, I found myself in a very tough situation with my sisters. They had specific ideas about my character that weren’t based in any truth. It was very painful and hurtful. I quickly realized nothing I could say would convince them otherwise. And ultimately I saw this was an opportunity for me to gain more solid state in the truth – that God knows who I am, and that is most important. That gave me great inner peace and allowed me to let go of trying to “prove” myself to my sisters. What I learned was the more I connected with my Diamond Power (the power that breathes me) and spent time increasing my self love, the less it mattered what they thought of me and that set me free.
How to Dial Down the Fear of What Other People Think
If you find yourself heading into an anxious space, worrying about what someone has said about you, or working overtime to change their opinion, try one of the following tools:
- Breathe! Trust me; breathing is a panacea for just about everything. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself – this will interrupt the thought pattern that is occurring and bring you back to peace.
- Remind yourself that you are a child of God. You are whole, and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says. You are unconditionally loved – wholey and fully.
- Tune into your vision of the woman you are and want to be. Ask yourself, “What is the truth of me? What is essential to my nature?” BE heard.
- Ask yourself if what others are saying is true? First ask yourself, is this true? If it doesn’t feel right don’t accept it as true. Let it go and understand everyone has their own perspective. On the other hand, if what the other person is saying has some validity, don’t judge or blame yourself, simply ask yourself what you can do to turn things around.
Using any one of these tools will help you to create a space for self-love and self-acceptance, which will ultimately make other peoples’ opinions irrelevant, clear the sludge off the diamond, and allow you to be in your authentic, beautiful, charismatic state.
PS It’s not too late to join the Love Summit 2: Find It, Feel It and Live It Forever! Join me and 20+ experts and learn how to attract & maintain more LOVE and joy. CLICK HERE to join!
Do you have a burning desire for things to change in your life yet you don’t know how or where to begin? If so, you’re not alone. Many people long for more meaningful relationships, better health, more soul satisfying careers, time and money freedom yet something always seems to get in the way of successfully anchoring into these shifts.
Can you relate? Is it one distraction or delay after another creating a slow down or backslide to your dreams? Does fear or a terrified voice creep in the moment you decide to move in a new direction?
If this is you, you’re going to love this interview with my award-winning brilliant business mentor, John Boggs. In this conversation he gives us his wise life-changing success tips for leading yourself to a calm, balanced, empowered and happy life. Oh, and this isn’t only about being a leader in business it’s about being the leader of YOU.
Because he has helped me sift through “life” many a time – teaching me how to focus and prioritize with simple solutions I wanted to share him with you. He is a true master of self-leadership!
In this interview you will learn:
- A daily practice to build self-confidence and set yourself up for success.
- A step-by-step process to get out of toxic emotional states
- The most common culprits that block self-leadership and how to overcome them
- #1 secret to moving in the direction of creating a life you love
Take the time to listen to this interview – not only is John warm and authentic, he will inspire you to believe in a possibility of a better way of life PLUS give you the success tips and strategies to do it!
In my last article, we explored the power of charisma to attract and inspire. When you connect with your charismatic nature, you shine with a light that is irresistible to the people around you. However, sometimes we inadvertently disconnect from that light by engaging in self-defeating behaviors that dim our sparkle and leave us feeling lousy.
One way to immediately lose touch with your charisma is by comparing yourself to others. Teddy Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and boy, was he right! When you compare, you engage in a thought pattern that wreaks havoc with your self-image and takes away your inner light like nothing else.
The Dangers of Comparison
We live in a society that inundates us with images of other peoples’ “perfect” lives. Whether you’re flipping through a fashion magazine or scrolling through your Facebook feed, it doesn’t take much to start believing that you’re not measuring up or living as fully as you would love.
But you have to remember that you’re only ever seeing part of the picture. Fashion photography is always touched up, and your friends on social media mostly post about the good stuff. It’s impossible to know what’s really happening with other people, so when you compare yourself to their “outer world” as you see it, you’re comparing your reality against a perception that is rarely, if ever, based in fact!
Always Remember You Are Perfect
We’re all made uniquely and masterfully. When you compare yourself to others, what you’re doing is communicating the belief that you’re flawed, but there is absolutely nothing wrong with you! If you’re having a hard time believing that, try these tips:
- Push pause on your thoughts of comparison. Don’t deny the thoughts and don’t judge them. Just accept that they’re coming up, take a breath and repeat to yourself, “I am enough, I am a beautiful being, I am unique.”
- Focus on the truth. Ask yourself what you know to be true. Focus on your strengths and what’s good about your life. Then ask yourself how you can be your most sparkling self at this moment. How can you be your own best friend?
- Smile at yourself. If you find yourself falling into the comparison trap, look in the mirror, wink, smile, and say, “Hi Beautiful. You’re perfect just the way you are!”
I have a client who was dating somebody on and off for quite a while. She knew she was in love with him, but they weren’t exclusive. One night, she discovered that he was out on a date with someone else. Instead of getting upset, she empowered herself by repeating this truth, “ Whoever she is, she’s not me. I am a unique, beautiful woman. I know that I am lovable and high-quality – if this is the right guy for me, he’ll see that too.”
She and that man have now been married for twenty years! Why? Because the next time they were together, she didn’t show up in an anxious, jealous headspace. She held her own, refused to fall into the comparison trap and stayed solid in who she was, which made her irresistible.
Put Your Attention on Your Intention
If you have the intention of living a fabulous life, being centered and feeling good about yourself, but you continue to let your attention go to comparison, you’re going to find it nearly impossible to close the gap between your intention and where you are now.
Direct your energy towards your intention and take steps to support yourself in achieving that goal. This will keep you moving forward and allow your beautiful, charismatic self to shine through!
Last month, we explored a variety of ways you can step into your freedom and connect with your inner sparkle. When you’re tapped into that energy, you feel the light of God pouring through you, removing all the sludge that’s accumulated around your inner diamond so that your beautiful light can shine out into the world.
A few weeks ago 10 AWESOME and AMAZING women did just that at Soul Sparkle Retreat (pics above) – it was incredible and awe’ing to see them totally transform in less than 24 hours of their arrival. Intentions were made, fears released, hearts opened and deeply connected friendships born – that’s the power of immersion. I felt like a proud mama as I witnessed these lovely ladies LETTING GO of OLD haunting, hurtful beliefs and EMBRACING their vivacious, unique, feminine Divine essence to SHINE fully!. Simply stunning!
So this month, I want to celebrate that vibrant energy with a series of posts aimed at helping you do what these ladies did, connect with your natural charisma! You have it, it’s inside of you, all you have to do is bring it to the surface and let it shine like the bright August sun!
According to author and spiritual teacher, Marianne Williamson, charisma was initially a religious term meaning, “of the spirit,” or “inspired.” She writes, “Charisma is a sparkle in people that money can’t buy. It’s an invisible energy with visible effects”