So you discovered your partner is cheating… the first thing you want to do is get clear on what you want. In this moment, right now, ask yourself, “What would I love? Recognize how you can nurture yourself and take action!
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Angel, if you’re a woman in America (or any part of the world that reads People Magazine, chances are you’ve heard the news: Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are divorcing because he had an affair with the nanny.
When you read those headlines, does some part of you wonder, “If Jennifer Garner can’t keep a man from cheating, who in the world can!?”
She’s smart, sexy, stunning, and of course – a movie star! So what gives?
This might be especially poignant for you if you’re dealing with infidelity in your relationship, whether you’re in a marriage or an exclusive dating situation. When you discover that someone has cheated on you, it’s one of the hugest hurts you’ll ever experience.
But here’s the truth, Love: if a man cheats on you, it has nothing to do with your value or worth.
As women, we love to analyze the remnants of our relationship and lay blame on ourselves. How many times have I heard a client say, “If only I had done this”, or “Why didn’t I do that?” or “I wish I had done things differently” or “Why do I always…blah, blah, blah”?! We often judge and punish ourselves far more than we deserve.
Of course, we all bear a certain level of responsibility – but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful, worthy, intelligent, successful, funny or loved… it just means that there are some lessons in this experience for both (or all three) people.
And hey, at the very least you can feel grateful that your situation isn’t plastered all over grocery store aisles like Jen’s is.
At the very best, if you are willing to lean in and grow, you can dramatically shift your self-worth.
Here are a few ways you can step into your value:
1) Stop settling for crumbs – know what you want and if your partner doesn’t want the same things AND isn’t willing to put 100% of himself into rebuilding the relationship with you, have the courage to say good-bye. You deserve more!
2) No more waiting around – if your man says he doesn’t know what he wants and continues to see the other woman and you are waiting for him to choose, you are giving your power away! Why are you letting him decide your fate? Gather your gumption and make a decision to empower yourself. Stop waiting. Not only will you gain self-respect, most likely you will gain his respect as well.
3) Set boundaries – let go of the fear that you will lose love if you stand in your truth. The reality is we teach people how to treat us – if we value ourselves others will value us too. If you allow your partner to act in ways that devalue and dishonor you, it will be impossible to build a deeply connected and loving relationship together. Stay strong in honoring you, no matter what, and you will feel your sense of value skyrocket!
Whether you’re a movie star like Jen Garner or the girl next door or a CEO, relationships can fall apart. The key is knowing that YOU are valuable and rebuild from a place of self-worth!
Are you looking for ways to improve your self image after discovering that a partner was cheating? I would love to speak with you one on one. Click HERE
Has this happened to you? It happened to me, and it’s happened to many of my clients!
After my ex-husband cheated on me, he knocked on my front door 8 months later to see if I was interested in getting back together.
At the time I was surprised, but now I can see what happened. As I rebuilt my life and began…
A lot of times, we’re presented with relationship challenges as a way for us to grow, dear one. Infidelity, in a way, is the ultimate relationship challenge – and it promises the most spectacular growth, if you’re willing to see it that way.
The question for you and your partner is this: do you ultimately want the same thing?
Many, many relationships have survived infidelity. Survival happens when both people are moving in the same direction and willing to view it as a wake up call toward relationship evolution.
As a matter of fact, I was just talking to my client, Nikki, yesterday – and she said she was actually happy her husband cheated because it knocked her out of her comfort zone and forced her to grow.
Gaining new perspective and stepping into different, more empowering behaviors she is now light, happy (even giggly) and confident – sharing she feels like she can do anything and all the anxiety is gone.
Her hubby is coming around and making a big effort to get in her good graces again. Not only has he stopped criticizing her and giving her the cold shoulder, he’s happily cuddling up with her on the sofa and she’s planning romantic escapades.
Maybe you, like Nikki, need a different skill set, better communication skills, better boundary setting and self honoring, more practice offering forgiveness, or a better understanding of each other.
The clients I work with who end up saving the marriage always tell me the same thing: the relationship ends up being better, stronger and more loving than ever as a result.
So, gorgeous, if you have a hunch that it’s worth working through it, chances are that it really is.
Whether or not you’re considering sticking it out, here are 3 things you can do to help yourself view the cheating as a blessing instead of harboring resentment:
Take time for yourself. Give yourself space, and be gentle with yourself. You deserve it.Look at the pieces. Ask yourself, “Is this relationship something that I want to stay committed to?”
Seek growth. Embrace the opportunity for growth – because I promise, it’s there.
Wherever you are on your journey, focus on loving yourself and being gentle with yourself. You deserve it, beautiful, and you will come out on the other end stronger and more fulfilled than you ever imagined.
Want to talk? Click HERE to speak with me directly.
Years ago when I discovered that my husband was cheating on me, I did what a lot of women do: I blamed myself.
Questions ran through my head, like, “What did I do wrong? Am I not smart/attractive or fun enough? How did I lose his attention?” You see, I thought I was doing everything right.
Can you relate to that?
When I got married, I remember thinking, “If someone cheats on me, that’s it. I’m outta there! I’m not putting up with it.”
I went through them, too.
In fact, I was so embarrassed to admit that my marriage had failed and that my husband had cheated on me and had plans to leave that I hid it from my mom until he left. I even dragged my soon-to-be-ex-husband to a Christmas family vacation at Lake Tahoe and made him pretend that we were fine because I felt so mortified to share my shame and “failure” and didn’t want to spoil my family’s holiday.
It’s like I was living in this bubble of, “everything’s okay!” Even though it wasn’t.
When I was finally able to share with my family what had happened, it made it all so real – and although it was a relief to get it out in the open and gain their support, it really sunk in and I felt scared and lost. I had to go through a process of rediscovering myself – because at that point, I didn’t even feel like I knew who I was anymore.
Does that sound at all familiar?
If you’re struggling to reconnect with what makes you YOU, here are five things to try:
1. Ask for honest feedback. I approached people in my life who I knew loved me dearly and asked them, “What do you think of me? How do I come off?” The feedback was often hard to hear – even jolting, but I’ll tell you what, soul sister – it rang deep with truth: it changed my life. If you can be open and grateful for the feedback it can change the trajectory of your life. Listen with curiosity!
2. Ask yourself what you like to do. Center yourself, and mentally ask these questions, “What would I like to do today?” “What brings me joy?” “What new thing would I like to try or what would I like to bring back that I used to love to do?” You might be surprised at the answers that come up, especially if you’ve been married for a long while. Then act on it!
3. Write in a journal. As often as possible. This was one of the most important tools for me through my rediscovery. My journal became my best friend. Let it become yours and you will quickly appreciate it’s love and loyalty. Always open to hearing your deepest thoughts without judgment, blame or criticism. Always holding the space for your enlightenment. Always there.
4. Keep yourself moving, physically. I started taking yoga classes, which cleared the cluttered thoughts in my mind and kept me connected to the Divine. Roller blading and weight training also provided stress relief, freedom and confidence. Choose some sort of movement to release the anxiety and bring in positive energy -keeping your mind, body and soul in healthy alignment.
5. Surround yourself with friends. Take girlfriend trips, call your mom, and do fun things with people you love to remind yourself that, yes, you are worthy of support and rooted in a community of wonderful people who are more than happy to cheer you on!
It can be tough, gorgeous, but you gotta do it. A few years from now, you’ll look back and think, “Wow, I’m really proud of myself for getting through that. And I’m better off for that whole experience.”
Click HERE to connect with me one on one. I would love to help you get over the infidelity hump and get your sparkle back.
“You can never out-perform your self image.” Maxwell Maltz
That quote is from a book called The Magic Power of Self-Image Psychology that made a huge difference for me in crafting who I wanted to be after finding out my husband cheated.
Lovey, we will always live up to our self-image, whether it’s a strong, secure one or whether it’s a doubtful, frightened one.
But the cool thing is that you can create a new self-image if you want to. And this becomes particularly important when you’re dealing with an infidelity in your partnership – feeling like you are not enough, or that you’ve done something wrong or that you are fundamentally flawed or cursed.
When I found out about my husband’s cheating, I thought, “Okay, Sherri, this is an opportunity for growth. You’ve lost touch with yourself, you aren’t really sure who you are anymore – take this time to discover who you want to be? What are the traits of the woman you want to become? How do you want to show up- not only in your relationship, but in the world?
These are key questions to ask yourself – because if you don’t have a clear idea of who you want to be, how do you know how to move into it?
When I found out my husband was cheating on me, I was so stunned that my whole body started shaking and it didn’t stop shaking for a week. I lost 10 pounds in 5 days because I was in such a state of utter shock.
It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me and I had no safe place to land.
Can you relate to that, Sparkle sister?
My husband had gone out to get his international newspaper when I walked into his office to find something. I wasn’t a jealous or snoopy wife at all; I never “checked up” on him or went through his things because I trusted him.
But when I was in his office that morning, the phone rang and a woman’s voice came through. She had a syrupy southern drawl, saying, “Hey sweetie, I just found us an apartment! Now I’m on the way to the doctor…”
I picked up the phone and snapped, “Who is this?” but she hung up immediately.
That’s when the shaking started, and it didn’t stop. I felt like a blow-up doll whose plug had just been pulled: now I was whirling and twirling around the room with no direction.
You see, I thought I was doing everything right, dear heart, which is why it was such a traumatic revelation. I was a supportive, loving wife, and I was the breadwinner.
During the weeks that followed my discovery, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, “I don’t even know who you are anymore. I don’t recognize you. I don’t connect with you. I don’t even know if I like you.”
I felt like an empty shell of a person.
My lovely, sweet reader, if you are going through this right now, or ever have gone through this, you are not alone. It may feel like you are at the moment – but you’re not.
I’m going to be the first to tell you that you will get through this. There is a brilliant, strong, passionate, loveable and worthy woman sitting in your chair… even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
I have been where you are, soul sister. There IS another side… and it is extraordinary; I promise.
If you need some help seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, I would love to talk with you on the phone. I invite you to set up a complimentary conversation with me by clicking HERE
Beautiful, is there something that your heart is calling for that you haven’t yet achieved or experienced?
Visualization is a powerful tool you can use daily to bring yourself into the vibration of that which you desire. The key is to clearly picture in your mind’s eye the experience you want with SPECIFIC details (here’s a tip for you doll – imagine you are taking a snapshot of your desired thingie -what would be in the pic? Think colors, clothing, environment, body language, ANYTHING that you would see visually that would indicate this desire has manifested).
Many of you know visualization is important but you may not have a full understanding of WHY it’s important – basically because the brain thinks in pictures AND the subconscious is sensory based.
Even knowing that though, have you ever had the experience of visualizing, thinking you are doing everything right, only to be disappointed that your heart’s desire has not yet manifested? I certainly have.
Then I came across the key to manifestation and I want to share it with you because I know how frustrating it can be not to get the results you expected. Thoughts like, “This stuff doesn’t work” or, “Why isn’t this working for me?” flooding your mind.
Fortunately there is a formula to get lift off on your desire. It’s simple. There is a way to rocket charge what you crave – bringing it the magic momentum necessary to bring it into existence, pronto!!
I take my clients through a POWERFUL 3-step process called “VAK to the Future” that helps them hook into the vision on a deep level.
VAK= Vision, Auditory, Kinesthetic. Remember we talked about the subconscious being sensory based? Well research has shown these are the top three senses to combine to fuel your desire into manifestation. The idea is to create an internal picture and experience that puts you in the place of already having what you want, and the results have been brilliant.
One client told me she wanted to meet someone, so we went through the process…
We started with her concisely stating her desire.
After that was in place the first step was for her to create three clear pictures in her mind down to the very details:
a. A picture of a cozy night in she would spend with her new love, making dinner and drinking wine sitting across from him at the dinner table.
b. A picture of holding hands with him on an evening walk.
c. And a picture of them both embracing each other lovingly.
Next, she described what she heard other people saying about her new relationship. Her friends said things like, “Wow, Rachel is so in love – I’m so happy she found such a perfect partner!”
Finally she connected with how she would feel if this were true.
Putting all the pieces together, I walked her through a guided visualization and told her to reimagine all these images every day.
I wasn’t surprised when in a short time she told me she had met someone special!
When you can imagine yourself inside the heady experience of already having the wonderful things you would love, they will come into your life quickly. What are you dreaming of that hasn’t come into fruition just yet? It’s time to start visioning sparkle sister!
Want some help with this process? This month, I’m giving away 1 visioning session to a lucky reader! To enter, all you have to do is post a comment in the area below before DATE. I’ll announce the winner next week!
Do you just want to dive in with some vision work? Click HERE to set up a time to chat with me one-on-one.