In my work with women, I frequently find myself in the conversation of “I don’t feel like I’m good enough.”
It makes me sad to see so many women walking the earth with a deep sense that they’re simply not enough just being who they are! God made each of us unique, unusual and special – and the sooner we women truly feel that at the core of our being, the sooner we’ll be able to experience the boundless love and joy that we’re meant to feel!
Today, let’s take a look at what this “not enough” belief is all about and how it might manifest in your life.
Look for Small, Challenging Habits
When a woman doesn’t feel that she’s enough, that belief may appear in her life in all sorts of seemingly insignificant ways. She might have trouble getting to bed on time (so she never really gets enough sleep), or she might not eat healthy food (depriving herself of nourishment) or she might push away men that want to treat her well (only going for men that ignore and disrespect her).
It can manifest in all sorts of subtle ways. Do you have any habits that might be covering a “not good enough” belief?
Sometimes, when women believe they’re not good enough they do things to prove that they are. They might find themselves over-giving, sacrificing too much of themselves in the name of “generosity,” or engaging in some other behavior that looks innocent on the surface but really comes with strings attached.
When I work with clients and we pinpoint things like this, it’s amazing to dive into the conversation around personal value. Usually, when a woman realizes that she’s been mistreating herself, simply knowing that it’s happening makes a big difference. She has the opportunity to value herself from the outside in – that is, she can now take action that is loving toward herself, and watch her inner perception of herself start to shift.
You Deserve Love
Every human being deserves love, and you are no exception! I invite you to give yourself the gift of self-reflection today, and ask yourself the following questions:
- Is there an area of my life in which I feel depleted, exhausted, or like I’m not getting what I need?
- What would it look like if I took an action today in this area of my life that was truly loving toward myself?
- Am I willing to try it?
I hope the answer is yes. For example, this might look like making sure you get enough sleep tonight, or having a salad for lunch so you feel light and energized in the afternoon, or setting a boundary with your family and telling them you’d like someone else to make dinner tonight!
The truth is that once you begin to value and respect yourself, the other people in your life will either fall in line or fall to the sidelines; and that is a wonderful thing to experience!
Do you ever wonder why you keep attracting the same disappointing experiences? Whether it’s about love, health, wealth or having more fun in life, are you asking yourself, “Why is this so hard, why can’t I figure it out, what’s wrong with ME?” Sheeeeeesh!
Despite all the time you’ve spent reading self-help books, saying positive affirmations till you’re blue in the face, listening to podcasts and expert interviews, going to lectures and workshops, and maybe even investing in therapy, nothing changes!!! You can listen, read, recite, study and sit at the feet of the top guru’s all over the world and still…nothing changes. Ay yi yi pretty frustrating, right love?
You might be thinking you aren’t trying hard enough, or maybe you are feeling like you are fundamentally flawed. Maybe you think it’s your lot in life, or that you have bad luck or crappy karma.
I get it, I’ve been there – it’s discouraging and disheartening to say the least!
I remember trying to get back on track after my marriage unraveled and desperately wishing some magic wand would just tap me on the shoulder and make life groovy again – LOL!
Where I was and where I wanted to be seemed miles apart and no matter what I was doing that gap just wasn’t closing – ever feel that way?
Well I prayed and prayed for a solution – I knew I needed a bridge but didn’t know how to build it….(until I found the secret and life DID become groovy again!!!)
What I’m about to share isn’t just going to give you great aha’s it’s going to change your life!!
Let’s take a moment and send our love and prayers to all of those who have lost a home or threatened by flooding or wildfire.
With all the tragic events in the world of late I’m not only saddened but reminded that life can be unpredictable. And…life is short.
It can feel shaky at times especially when you are experiencing a natural disaster that you have no control over. Which is all the more reason to build a strong foundation in knowing who you are (and whose you are) to feel empowered in any circumstance.
Are you with me?
Because here’s the thing… whether it’s outer world crises or those inner vexing voices, it’s important to be aware that you have control over your thoughts – that’s about ALL you have control over, but that’s a biggy!
Especially when you aren’t even aware of the thoughts that are motivating your actions and sabotaging your dreams – now that’s scary! Have you ever had the experience of really wanting something, going after it with all your heart, pushing and pushing yourself to get to the goal, and then watching it slip through your fingers just when you thought you had it firmly within your grasp?
Something may be operating subconsciously, unbeknownst to you, that created that outcome. Angie* has been having experiences like that. She recently signed up for my Finding Your Sparkle program, and in our conversation together she said something like this:
“Sherri, I don’t know what my problem is. I’ve been dating a guy for a few months and he seems to be pulling away. I’m so giving and generous – but it’s just not happening. He’s getting more and more distant!”
I immediately asked her what behaviors she was engaging in with this man, and we quickly discovered that Angie is over-giving! She showers new men with gifts, her availability and her enthusiasm… and guess what? It totally pushes them away.
Can you relate to that? Psst… this can happen whether you’re looking for new love OR you’re in a long-term, committed relationship.
We trick ourselves into thinking that being giving is a loving and generous act, and it’s true that those things can be very loving. But when we over-give we’re actually engaging in aggressive (masculine) behavior, usually because deep down, we think we are not enough and we have to prove our worth. Women coupled up can also be guilty of this behavior, so let’s get it cleaned up!
This is where Self-Love Comes In
When we give too much of ourselves inappropriately, we’re not honoring and respecting our sparkling, feminine Diamond essence. Instead, we’re trying too hard to make it happen through masculine energy, and most straight men don’t find that attractive at all. I’ve always said, two men in a heterosexual relationship doesn’t work!
When you love yourself and step powerfully into your shimmering soft essence, you allow your man to make the first move. You hold back with giving gifts, time and extreme enthusiasm, even if you feel the urge to shower him with attention.
You let him be the man, trust the process, and take care of your own needs. You stand in your own glory.
In my book I talk about my experience with the Myrtle Tree. She was fascinating to me! I came across this stunning tree one day on a walk and she drew me in for the simple reason that she was standing in her feminine essence. It was a little breezy, so her leaves were flirting with anyone who passed by as she basked in the sunshine, but other than that, she wasn’t doing anything besides just Being.
I even tried to walk by her, but I couldn’t help myself; after a moment I turned back because I had to see her again.
She was magnetizing and she wasn’t even doing anything. This tree wasn’t trying to prove her worth. She wasn’t trying to impress me, or give me a gift or control me. She was just standing there, loving herself, and doing what she does.
This is what I want every woman on the planet to understand: you don’t have to do anything! You don’t have to push and control and “get the goal” because you’re afraid you are not enough. All you have to do is be you and have the time of your life! Whether you’re looking for a new love or you’re in a stale relationship that needs to liven up, men will be drawn to your feminine essence. It’s at that point the magic and romance really starts to happen!
Remember gorgeous, you ARE the myrtle tree. If you’d like to learn more about my work with women, click HERE.
In my work with women, I get questions all the time about finding love, connecting with happiness and embracing a sense of forgiveness. Women send in questions about specific situations that run the gambit – but the one thing they all have in common is that everyone is looking for the magical solution that will have them feeling happy, peaceful and free of toxic mind chatter.
I can tell you with a loving smile that you already have the magical solution within you! Yes, even as you read this article!
Truly, the “key” to happiness and inner peace for us as women is really very simple. We need to stop searching for an answer outside of ourselves and realize that everything we need to be completely happy, fulfilled, purposeful and at peace lies within.
This is essentially the crux of my work with women: to experience the results you desire, go within and work on yourself! As you do so you will build a strong connection with your inner Diamond Power and that is where you’ll find all the happiness and joy the world has to offer.
Recently, Becky M* came to me and said (and I’m paraphrasing), “My soulmate of twenty years has decided to leave me. I’ve begged, I’ve tried everything to change his mind, but he’s chosen separation. What can I do? I’m miserable.”
A beacon of strength, wisdom, and altruism, Wonder Woman has inspired women across the globe. More than ever before, we need strong female role models– exemplified by the recent box office hit, which earned more than $700 million worldwide opening weekend! W.O.W
We long to believe that the power of good will prevail over bad— which is evident with the success of this female-led super hero movie. We want to feel strong and confident in our decisions and who we are, like Wonder Woman, right?
However, let’s be honest: we’ve all had experiences and situations in our lives where we’ve gotten hurt and then, without even realizing it, set up Fort Knox to protect our hearts. At the time that may have served us well and kept us feeling safe, but if we really want love, we’ve got to have the courage to knock down those walls and let the old stories go.
So, how can we be the heroine of our own life?
We can put on our Wonder Woman suit and protect ourselves from the part of us that plays the villainess in our mind – the part who tries to take us down when we aren’t looking. Too often, the lack of deep love in our lives comes from a lack of self-love and self-compassion. We can be incredibly hard on ourselves.
And when we start going into the underworld those meanies in our mind get really loud: “I’m not good enough, I’m worthless.” “I’m not interesting enough.” “I’m too old – who would want me?” And, we may set ourselves up with goalposts almost impossible to achieve. Millions of people suffer from insecurity, anxiety, and depression, and much of this is due to self-judgment, to beating ourselves up when we feel we aren’t measuring up.
To me, a heroine is a woman who is brave enough to love herself completely. Because, the truth is, only you hold the power to transform your life—to drive out the pockets of darkness, moments of insecurities, doubts, or fears that may be holding you back from living joyfully and authentically. And, everyone deserves to live a life filled with love and loving connections.
How can we intentionally create and experience more love?
Although many of us look for love on the outside, the path to love really begins inside. This quote by Lucille Ball is a longtime favorite of mine: “Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.”
So what’s the answer?
When you feel safe with yourself—knowing you can set protective boundaries that honor you – you’ll start to show up like Wonder Woman – full of strength and confidence and a loving heart. Others will be drawn to you with an open heart. The darkness in your life will have been replaced by the light of Truth—old patterns of thinking, beliefs, or habits that may be distracting you from a sparkling life will be gone – poof!
At the end of the movie, Wonder Woman talks about how it’s not what you deserve—good or bad—but it’s about what you believe in, and she believes in love. In that moment, the light of love—her faith—literally obliterates the darkness.
Stop judging and evaluating ourselves altogether. Stop trying to label ourselves as “good” or “bad” and simply accept ourselves with an open heart. Treat ourselves with the same kindness, caring, love and compassion we would show to a good friend. Love yourself to overcome those dark spots, fears, doubts, worries, so that you can have a strength like Wonder Woman. When you believe in love anything is possible.
Likewise, you will attract people who will treat you with love and respect because you will not stand for anything less.
Love is one of those things that it’s so expansive and infinite in nature; we will never have “too much” of it. We can only acquire more. Which is kind of the whole point, isn’t it? Here’s to healing and receiving all of life’s blessings and love!
If you are like most of the women I have the privilege of talking to and working with you have the same common longing: the desire to experience romantic love at a very deep level (whether you are single or in a relationship).
And truthfully, YOU, just as much as anybody on the planet, deserves to be adored and cherished.
Why then, you might be asking, is this coveted experience so elusive?!
You’re probably super smart and taking a lot of steps that you think should lead you to that relationship – but the results are repeatedly disappointing with little or no movement forward. And that makes you even more frustrated! Sound familiar?
There is a solution – and it might surprise you.
Are you ready? Here it is…. Loving relationships with others really hinge on building a loving relationship with yourself first. This is tricky because many of us think we are treating ourselves well. If you feel really solid in this, AWESOME but, on the other hand, if you have a little bit of wobble, there’s a quick self-assessment you can take in the video below.
Listen to the video above and answer the 4 questions asked to assess how well you are loving yourself:))
Here’s a bonus action step to create more self-love – MIRROR WORK–this is very powerful and a great way to build self-love from the inside out.
Look in the mirror and say:
I love you.
I’m proud of you.
You are special to me.
I am here for you.
Do this in the morning and at night PLUS the action steps from the video and you will soon increase your confidence, self-love and become your sparkling best Self! All essential for creating love in every aspect of your life.
How often do you do something for or with others because it just doesn’t feel right to focus on yourself? Do you ever feel ashamed because there are times you just don’t want to do one more thing for anybody else? Are you trapped in a cycle of doing, doing, doing for everyone but yourself?
In the spirit of Independence Day, let’s take a look at three emotional thieves that steal our mental freedom and block our love of Self. They wreak havoc with our serenity, self-worth, and keep us from living full, authentic, and sparkling lives:
Many women wrestle with these three feelings and their associated limiting beliefs.
How would you like to be liberated from the behavior you’ve been trained in to always put others’ needs before your own?
Do you feel a wave of guilt when you decide to take time for you or set limits around your availability or what you’re willing to do for others?
If you are like most women, you might feel guilty for taking time to replenish your own reservoir of life-giving energy.
As counter intuitive as it may seem, the most loving thing you can do for the people you care about is to take care of yourself first. If you intend to continue giving your time and attention to loved ones, then you must be kind and loving to yourself first.
Ask yourself, “Who would I be without guilt?” Dig deep to see if you can get to the root of what holds you to these feelings of guilt because without guilt you can be a new woman—sparkling, replenished, refreshed, and ready to cheerfully give fully to others.
So right now, right here, write down at least 1-3 things you can do to nurture you – and then do one of them!
Do you label yourself as “selfish” when you want to do something for yourself or even by yourself?
Sometimes others take advantage of your desire to serve. They can call at all hours of the day and night and expect you to be available at a moment’s notice, especially when they’re experiencing a crisis. When you get courageous enough, you may set boundaries around your availability. As soon as you do, an alarming voice might resound in your head, screaming at you about how selfish you are being. That distorted belief of what it means to be selfish kicks in and challenges you to wonder how you could ever think you were so special to deserve to put yourself first. Along with beliefs of selfishness come other judgmental and critical thoughts that take you down that bottomless rabbit hole.
To overcome these toxic thoughts ask yourself what you get for buying into the belief that you are selfish. Then set a healthy boundary and stand strong. Decide to reframe the time you spend on yourself as being centered in self so that you can be of greater service to others. The truth is we need self-care to really glitter and glow. Just like a diamond, our beautiful, brilliant, multi-faceted radiance cannot shine if we don’t take some time to polish and buffJ)
The dance of blame and shame holds you back. You feel ashamed for thinking you were so special or significant as to put yourself above another. Shame keeps you from taking care of yourself adequately.
Instead of feeling shame, honor your own value.
For instance, if you decide to nurture yourself by going for a run and a friend calls to vent, either let the call go to voicemail or answer the call and let her know you’ll call her back. When you permit others’ needs to take precedence over your own, you are not valuing yourself. It’s imperative that you make yourself the priority.
Feel the weight lifting off your shoulders as you permit yourself to nurture your own needs. Imagine yourself floating as light as a feather and take a deep breath. If all else fails, regardless your religious affiliation, perhaps you can find comfort in the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.
Recently, I spoke with leadership expert, John Boggs, about reclaiming control of your life. If you missed the interview I encourage you to click here in order to discover the most common culprits that block self-leadership and how to overcome them.
When you are out of balance, the quality of your giving will be less than adequate. So take a break and take care of you. It will help reduce your own stress, keep you in good health, and allow you to be even more nurturing to others. Then, what others will get is the best version of you: the sparkling diamond that is YOU.
Do you ever feel like your life is spinning out of control with relationship challenges, career demands and the pressure of being a “good” parent/wife/daughter/sister/friend? Does it seem like you are always behind the 8 ball without enough time to take care of everything on your plate?
If you have a burning desire for things to change in your life you’re going to love this interview with my award-winning brilliant business mentor, John Boggs. In this conversation he gives us his wise life-changing success tips for leading yourself to a calm, balanced, empowered and happy life. Oh, and this isn’t only about being a leader in business it’s about being the leader of YOU.
Because he has helped me sift through “life” many a time – teaching me how to focus and prioritize with simple solutions I wanted to share him with you. He is a true master of self-leadership!
In this interview you will learn:
- A daily practice to build self-confidence and set yourself up for success.
- A step-by-step process to get out of toxic emotional states
- The most common culprits that block self-leadership and how to overcome them
- #1 secret to moving in the direction of creating a life you love
- How to measure if you’re leading yourself well
Take the time to listen to this interview – not only is John warm and authentic, he will inspire you to believe in a possibility of a better way of life PLUS give you the success tips and strategies to do it!
It’s summer and you know what that means – bikini time! Whether it’s a poolside bbq, beach party with the kids and friends or water vacation you’re probably going to be slipping into some sort of swim suit even if you’re not into baring your belly.
So how are you feeling about that? Comfortable? Or are you body bashful?
If you’re anything like most of the women out there, the thought of parading around with less coverage can bring up some anxious thoughts.
Staying body-positive throughout the summer months can sometimes prove challenging for even the most confident woman. Women of all shapes and sizes have struggled with insecurities. Whether you choose to wear a bikini or not, feeling body-positive at every age and shape is beautiful. For example my client Peggy, aged 59, recently announced: “I wore a bikini on my vacation and rocked it!” She would never have said this a year ago – but with all the inner self-love work we’ve been doing she’s now fully confident and in love with her body. The same is possible for you!
How often do you think, I’ll be happy when__________? (fill in the blank)
If you are like most of us you might have had a few thoughts like these:
* When I have a man in my life that loves and adores me and makes me feel special (whether you’re in a relationship or single) …THEN I’ll be happy.
* When I have enough money saved to make me feel secure…THEN I’ll be happy.
* When I drop that 10 extra pounds I’ve been carrying for the past 5 years…THEN I’ll be happy.
And sometimes “when” arrives and sometimes it doesn’t. In the meantime our lives are slipping thru our fingers like the sands of time. Yikes!
What “when’s” do you have in your life? Think about it for a minute and write them down.
Are you tying your happiness to a condition?
Don’t feel bad if the answer is yes, most of us do! Myself included.
When I was younger, from the time I was 15-28, my weight was a huge struggle. I was forever trying to say sayonara to an extra 25-40 pounds (and trust me on a 5’3” small boned frame, that was significant!). I dreamed of stepping on a scale, peering down and seeing the dial stop at 110 lbs.…ahhh THEN I would be happy, thrilled…ecstatic!!!
Suffice it to say I went on countless diets to get me there including a week of eating nothing but German chocolate cake (did I mention they were mostly unhealthy? Geeeez!). Every morning when I woke up I would run to the bathroom, step on the scale and if that reflecting number wasn’t inching it’s way down toward my goal weight I would instantly slump into a bad mood. In a split second I would go from anticipation to anger and frustration letting the number on the scale affect my whole day.
I was totally postponing my happiness; making it conditional. I wanted out of that vortex but I didn’t know what to do to end the mindset that was creating the disconnect to happiness.
Until one day I discovered the secret. I understood how to bypass the condition and stay in that joyful, happy state no matter what!
There are 3 ways you can step out of condition-based happiness:
- Let go of any attachment to the outcome. This applies to every area of your life. Do your best without any strings attached. When we allow things to flow we stay in a higher more expansive energy – we are able to stay in a state of joy. So in my case, adapting a way of eating that took the focus off weight loss and put it on feeling nourished and healthy brought great happiness. Ironically the weight came off because I stopped obsessing about food and ate only when I was hungry.
- Let go of trying to change someone or a situation. We can never change someone else – in fact the more we try the more likely we are to run up against walls and feel frustrated. However, we do have the ability to change who we are being. This comes from within – it’s a choice, a decision. You can declare – “I can change how I’m going to be today. This day I will be the BEST version of me.” Step into this and watch your happiness level soar!
- Stay connected to God/Universe/The Divine. When things don’t go the way we want or expect we can feel defeated, deflated and discouraged. You will know this is happening because you will feel contracted or shrunken inside. From this state happiness is far, far away. Instead all you have to do is connect with God, feel His Love and you will instantly feel a beautiful peace sweep thru your body. Do this and you will stay in a higher vibration.
Next time you start to entertain the belief that you can only be happy when __________ (fill in that blank) happens whip out your 3 secret weapons: no attachment to the outcome, know you can change who you’re being, stay connected to God. Embrace these success tips and you will live with greater happiness and joy! You can do it!!