Are you blocking yourself from love?
If you’re a strong, capable, independent woman, you may absolutely be keeping love at arms length without even realizing it! I know that’s hard to hear but it’s true.
Here’s what you need to know:
It’s wonderful to be able to take care of yourself, but if you are in a romantic relationship and you’re favoring your masculine side you are probably creating a wedge between you and your man! And the crazy thing is we don’t even see it!
I hear about this dilemma all the time with my female clients. The truth is we are so very capable – the trick is to be discerning with our capabilities. It’s crucial we learn when and how to flip to feminine so we stop blocking love unknowingly. It truly is a blind spot ladies!!!
You may ask- “Why?” Arguing you like being capable – it makes you feel empowered. And I totally get it, but here’s the thing – we all want to experience true love. And whether you are in a relationship or single, women with masculine energy create an invisible barricade against men, hindering their own ability to attract and maintain healthy, loving relationships.
Ay yi yi, is that what you want?
To avoid this wedge you want to get honest and ask yourself the question,
“Am I blocking love?”
Get honest and ask yourself, “ Do I exude masculine energy?” Millions of women in today’s world have ramped up their masculine sides. It’s been necessary to embrace the male traits in order to be successful in business, run households and accomplish endless day-to-day tasks. Unfortunately, there is a price to be paid for this yin-yang imbalance. When you lose touch with your yin (femininity), and amplify your yang (masculinity), you create an unseen armor against men and love.
You see, inside of each of us are the traits and characteristics of both masculine and feminine energy. The masculine side is driven, competitive, protective and solution-oriented. The feminine side is collaborative, multi-tasking, intuitive, receptive, magnetic and flowing. Balancing the two is a beautiful dance. When in harmony, your masculine and feminine aspects are complementary, not opposing, and interact to achieve great success in all aspects of life, including love.
However, it’s often true that successful, independent women over-utilize their masculine energy. While your masculine energy can propel your career, it can also wreak havoc in your relationships by blocking love. Here are the five ways that you block love when you exude masculine energy:
1. You send the message: “You’re not needed.” Are you so independent, capable and strong that it makes a man feel like he has nothing of value to offer? Men need to feel needed. It helps enhance their esteem and makes them feel great when they can help you. If you send the message “I am perfectly capable of doing it all myself, thank you very much,” you’ll leave no room for your man to show his love and support. After being shut down, your partner may search outside of your relationship for a way to fill his deep-seeded need to contribute.
2. You emasculate your man. If you’re the type of woman who “wears the pants” in the relationship, you’re forcing your partner to be the one wearing the dress, meaning, if you operate more in your masculine, your partner will be more in his feminine. For most men, this feminine energy is difficult to maintain. Even a sensitive man needs to be in touch with his masculinity. Men operating from the feminine become exhausted and depleted and thus will experience an urge to pull away or shut down.
3. You lose touch with yourself. Allowing your masculine side to dominate your life will rob you of your radiance. It disconnects you from your essential feminine essence. You absolutely shine when you embody your unique feminine radiance! Connecting to your femininity is essential to nurturing your soul and connecting with your playful, sensual, authentic Self. From this joyful feminine energy, you become allluring to men who seek to love and adore you.
4.You become unattractive. Masculine women aren’t attractive to men because opposites attract. A successful, healthy, masculine man will be searching for an authentic, feminine woman. Even if you are a beautiful woman, men will likely find you unattractive if you are living from your masculine energy.
True desirability has more to do with the way a person makes us feel than by how they look. Real magnetic attraction is created when a person makes us feel wonderful. Men feel wonderful when they are in their authentic masculine energy. A feminine woman knows how to make her man feel like a man. This causes him to feel so good; he is drawn to her like a powerful magnetic force.
5. You create competition. Masculine energy is competitive. If you’re vying for power in your relationship, you’re killing the connection to love. Competing with your man sends him a signal that you are opposing forces rather than a team. Happy, bonded relationships exist when each partner encourages and supports the other. If you’re busy trying to gain the upper hand and control your man, he’ll feel more like a servant than a partner, and your attraction to each other will wither away.
It’s time to remove the blocks to love! Women possess a sparkling brilliance when we’re connected to our raw feminine power. Knowing the ways your masculine energy blocks love allows you to make conscious choices to embrace your femininity. This return to your divine, feminine energy will remove the blocks to love and open the doors to a juicy and fulfilling relationship.
Have you ever been in a situation where you really wanted to create connection with someone and either couldn’t find any common ground or got anxious and clammed up?
It’s frustrating when you deeply desire a kindred spirit relationship and it just doesn’t seem possible, isn’t it? When that distance comes flooding in do you start to feel hollow and lonely, isolated, slamming yourself with, “what’s wrong with me, why can’t I open up and connect?”
It’s true, we just naturally hit it off with some people where we struggle with others (especially if we have a “past” with them and can’t let it go – we tend to over analyze what we think we should say and it comes out stiff or guarded – no connection going to happen that way:).
So how do you “create” connection?
It’s actually easier than you think. Here are 4 simple ways to engage with others – do any one of these and you will feel your hearts start to open and sync with each other.
I was recently reading Dr. Henry Cloud’s book on Boundaries and there’s a part where he comments on a conversation he had with a client – it reminded me of many of the talks I’ve had with my clients and thought it might be helpful for you.
Dr. Cloud’s client was proud of the major progress she had made setting boundaries with her partner, kids and co-workers yet this particular day she said she had a new boundary issue.
Her conversation went something like this, “I haven’t told you about this relationship before, though I guess I should have. I have tremendous boundary problems with this woman. She eats too much and has an attacking tongue. She’s undependable and let’s me down all the time. And she’s spent money of mine and hasn’t paid me back in years.” Dr. Cloud asked her why she hadn’t mentioned her before and she answered, “ Because it’s me.”
Have you had a similar experience doll?
Pogo Possum, cartoonist Walt Kelly’s swamp character sums it up pretty well, “ We have met the enemy and he is us”.
Most of us suffer with this conflict – vowing to do something, breaking our commitment and then beating ourselves up – ay yi yi such a hellacious cycle! We need to break that no good sequence pronto!
Here’s how you do it.
It’s pretty simple and boils down to practicing self-love on a daily basis to honor all that you are. Are you including that in your daily routine love? If you are like most women the answer is no. You get busy, you get distracted, you minimize your accomplishments, you let your limiting patterns run your life and you forget to fawn over YOU! Because amnesia is so common reminders are essential!!
Follow these 7 tips to set some strong personal boundaries:
1) Write yourself a love letter. I mean really gush all over you. You are digging for your diamonds here so get out your pick, put on your mining hard hat and start excavating. If this is hard for you or you draw a blank ask a good friend or family member to help you discover your dazzle.
2) Combat the critics. Ah yes, the stealth committee of your mind—always at your service to run you over the coals. When they show up en force simply say, “Thank you for sharing, but no thanks! I choose to live with brilliance not bullying.”
3) Speak your truth—at all times, no matter what. Even if you think the conversation will be hard, show up with honesty and come from love. This honors who you are as well as the recipient.
4) Practice self-care. Listen to your body and take care of your needs! Eat when you’re hungry, sleep when you’re tired, get a massage, indulge in a mani pedi, exercise, and kick any destructive habits/addictions like alcohol, drugs, and food abuse. You may need a village to help you and that’s okay. Don’t be afraid to reach out—you are worth it! There is plenty of support waiting to help you shine
5) Accept yourself—no matter what your race, color, height, weight or gender, just accept the facts. You cannot change these things. If you don’t accept them you will cripple yourself—let go of what you cannot change and choose to celebrate instead.
6)Find evidence that supports how wonderful you are!
Every day you are going to be faced with situations that challenge your state of being, but when you understand that your heart inherently holds the blueprint for love, joy and happiness and all you have to do is tune in you’ll discover you’re not so burdened when things go awry. And ultimately, when you fall in love with YOU, the world will too!
7) Celebrate your accomplishments!! Toast them with a friend or your partner, buy yourself flowers, treat yourself to a massage – do something to make a big deal of what you’ve done. I just had this conversation with a client of mine – when you minimize your winnings that’s sending a message that you aren’t grateful for these gifts. It’s also not very loving to yourself – you’ve worked hard so take time to high five yourself instead of being the tyrannical task master!
Follow these 7 tips and learn to set boundaries with yourself by loving you and watch your world get happy! xo
Let’s be honest.
We’ve all had experiences and situations in our lives that have in effect, forced us to build protective barriers to guard our hearts. When built, they may have served in protection, but the trick is to know when to allow your walls to collapse and let the old stories go. Once this happens, love pours in.
And the truth is everyone deserves to live a life filled with love and loving connections. So how can we intentionally create and experience more love?
Although many of us look for love on the outside, the path to love really begins inside. This Rumi quote describes it perfectly:
Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. ~ Rumi
Too often, the lack of deep love in our lives comes from a lack of self-love and self-compassion. Many of our love barriers were created to protect ourselves from our own inner critic. Most of us are incredibly hard on ourselves. When faced with our flaws the negative self chatter starts: “I’m not good enough. I’m worthless.” “I’m not interesting enough.” “I’m too old – who would want me?”
And of course, the goalposts for what counts as “good enough” seem always to remain out of reach. No matter how well we do, someone else always seems to be doing it better. The result of this line of thinking is sobering: Millions of people suffer from insecurity, anxiety, and depression, and much of this is due to self-judgment, to beating ourselves up when we feel we aren’t measuring up.
So what’s the answer?
Have you ever thought about what you are committed to? Take a minute and think about it, because everyone is committed to something. Get honest and ask yourself a hugely important question, “Am I committed to living a life of joy or a life of struggle?”
And hey, you may be thinking, you’re not committed to anything negative. I get it – I used to think the same way. Until I stopped and made an honest assessment of ALL the results I was experiencing. That was an eye opener LOL.
The thing is even if you think you are committed to living a big happy life – if your dreams and goals are not becoming realities there is something – a belief, an assumption, a way of thinking that you are unknowingly committed to that is blocking you from having what you say you desire. Literally taking you in the opposite direction of your dreams.
That’s important because you know how it is to be committed – you’re ALL in, right?
And that’s GREAT when it’s a belief that serves you but what about those beliefs that limit you? The truth is every belief, whether supportive or sabotaging wants to be right. As a matter of fact they inspire behaviors that create results to prove they are right. That could show up as stuckness, unfairness, being broke, things not going your way, men leaving you, cheating on you – you name it- it’s a programming that keeps you in a vicious frustrating cycle.
The key is to find out what the commitments are that are wreaking havoc on your life and reframe them – so that they can become healthy, nourishing, positive commitments that will feed your soul and produce peace and happiness.
Here’s how you break those vicious cycles:
Last weekend I went on a beach biking adventure with a couple of my favorite gal pals, Cherry and LeeAnn. Over the course of our 27 mile ride we swapped some good guy stories, shared dreams, laughed a lot and stopped for some yummy crab legs and beer (oh and can’t forget the insanely delicious hushpuppies – how have I never tasted those delectable little treats before? I’m in love!!!)
At the end of the day driving home I was smiling from ear to ear – a fun frolic, giggles and girlfriends made me feel like a teen again – alive and vibrant.
It was amazing – here I was feeling happy and zippy after a long day of exercising and yet the day before I hadn’t done as much as a down dog and I was as tired as a slug.
It got me thinking – who doesn’t want to turn back the clock to access the lively spirit of their youth?
I hear it all the time – women are always telling me how tired they are and how they wish they felt more sparkling and energetic.
What about you doll? Can you relate?
Well here it is – simple and sweet – the secret to youth is to laugh and play with wild abandon.
As Oscar Wilde put it, “An inordinate amount of pleasure is the secret to remaining young”.
It’s been scientifically proven Laughter and merrymaking lead to a more joyful state of being and keep us dynamic. The more you are laughing, the more you are sparkling.
Not to mention the load of health benefits that come from a good giggle. Tons of hormones and chemicals are released that have an amazingly positive effect on the body – successfully lifting depression, anxiety, sadness and plenty of other soul squashing culprits.
How long has it been since you had a good laugh? I mean a gut wrenching, tear streaming, cheeks hurting kind of laugh.
If you’re like most busy women, it’s been too long.
Did you know the average person used to laugh 20 minutes a day and now it’s down to less than 5 minutes? Isn’t that sad? When did we all get so darn serious? It’s clear we’ve forgotten how to play!
I understand if you resist and put pleasure on the back burner. It’s the first instinct when you’ve got a to-do list a mile long.
But, I’m here to tell you, living a life of “have to’s” with few or no “get to’s” will leave you feeling unfulfilled, bored, disconnected and it will pull your energy down. This creates an aging affect where you become old before your time.
That’s the opposite of what you want!
Opening up to playfulness is the greatest gift – it frees the creative expression of your soul. Suddenly your charisma, magnetic charm and vivacious va-va-voom are larger than life. This is your diamond power, that lively youthful glow that money can’t buy. Yes, yes and YES baby!!!
Make a commitment to step outside of your routine to make fun and pleasure a priority. Your frisky feminine spirit – that juicy part of you that’s been buried far too long is dyyy-ing to come out and play.
When you start having fun you will activate your inner sparkle. This in-love-with-life attitude will give you energy and vitality in droves. Your joy will put a twinkle in your eye and a bounce in your step. Talk about connecting to your youthful spirit.
Even the simplest things can bring a whole lot of delight.
Ask yourself these 3 things to bring back your sparkle:
1) What brings you great joy?
2) What makes you laugh?
3) What makes your face and heart smile?
Make a list of all the things that bring you bliss and then turn it into your Joie de Vivre to-do list.
If you commit to having FUN, living with passion, seeking silliness, and experiencing life with a thirst, you will be guaranteed a happy, youthful life. You’ll be irresistible to men, in fact everyone – and you will draw to you every dream your heart desires.
Do you ever wonder why you keep attracting the same disappointing experiences? Whether it’s about love, health, wealth or having more fun in life, are you asking yourself, “Why is this so hard, why can’t I figure it out, what’s wrong with ME?” Sheeeeeesh!
Despite all the time you’ve spent reading self-help books, saying positive affirmations till you’re blue in the face, listening to podcasts and expert interviews, going to lectures and workshops, and maybe even investing in therapy, nothing changes!!! You can listen, read, recite, study and sit at the feet of the top guru’s all over the world and still…nothing changes. Ay yi yi pretty frustrating, right love?
You might be thinking you aren’t trying hard enough, or maybe you are feeling like you are fundamentally flawed. Maybe you think it’s your lot in life, or that you have bad luck or crappy karma.
I get it, I’ve been there – it’s discouraging and disheartening to say the least!
I remember trying to get back on track after my marriage unraveled and desperately wishing some magic wand would just tap me on the shoulder and make life groovy again – LOL!
Where I was and where I wanted to be seemed miles apart and no matter what I was doing that gap just wasn’t closing – ever feel that way?
Well I prayed and prayed for a solution – I knew I needed a bridge but didn’t know how to build it….(until I found the secret and life DID become groovy again!!!)
What I’m about to share isn’t just going to give you great aha’s it’s going to change your life!!
The powerful truth is….
Are you a master at taking care of the feelings and problems of everyone else?
Are you clear about the things that are your responsibility and the things that aren’t?
Do you struggle with saying no?
If you’re reading this and saying to yourself, “yup that’s me!” you’ve probably got some challenges with setting boundaries beautiful. By the way – you are not alone! Many of the women I talk to and coach would rather twist themselves into a people pleasing pretzel than say “no” to a loved one, friend or boss.
People are so fearful of setting boundaries because they’re worried the other person involved won’t like it.
Can you relate to that?
In Dr. Henry Clouds book, When to Say Yes How to Say No, he says healthy boundaries will increase your love and save your life. Just as homeowners set physical property lines around their land, we must create mental, physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries for ourselves. Although physical boundaries are easier to see, the invisible property lines are just as real, and they define, protect and maintain your soul.
The truth is boundaries define everything! As scary as it seems, setting boundaries has the opposite effect of what we expect. Not only will you gain more respect from others, but you’ll start to respect yourself more as well!
Practice Setting Boundaries Everywhere
You can create a powerful invisible fence with your words baby. All you have to do is begin by saying “No!” Let it rip!! Feel the freedom as you honor your needs and feelings!
If you don’t like the way someone is treating you instead of taking it and becoming resentful, empower yourself by saying,
“I don’t like it when you yell at me!” or “No that behavior is not okay. I will not participate in that.” Your words let people know where you stand and gives them the “rules” of your yard.
One of my clients, Sasha, recently told me that she’d set a boundary with a parking attendant. He was speaking to her rudely and she quickly set him straight with a firm, “Don’t talk to me like that!” After that, he smiled at her and treated her totally differently.
Why? Because she’d instructed him as to how she wanted to be treated. She set a boundary and didn’t even think twice about it. Her words just naturally flowed out of her mouth and the guy responded very favorably.
Imagine what your life would be like if you set boundaries like that everywhere you went!
It’s OK if It’s Uncomfortable at First
Sasha happened to be a people pleaser. In the past, if she’d spoken up at all, she’d have felt guilty and very bad about herself. If you can relate, then setting boundaries might be uncomfortable at first. It might even continue to be uncomfortable after you’ve done it several times because building a new behavior takes time.
That was true for my client – after the incident she said, “See, I told you men love bitches.” But she wasn’t being a bitch. She was teaching him how to treat her.
Although Sasha had stepped beautifully into a new behavior (and continues to do so) the part of her that wasn’t yet fully comfortable in this new role of expression popped up to hijack her victory. We talked about it and she was able to quickly shift her perspective from feeling like what she said was bitchy to recognizing it was firmly anchored in self love and integrity.
I share this with you because the same thought might cross your mind as you begin to set appropriate boundaries at appropriate times with the appropriate people.
Don’t let the discomfort cause you to fall back into your old ways. As my fitness coach used to say, “get comfortable in the discomfort” because pushing the envelope will pay off big time.
Other people may not like it when we start to set boundaries but you know what? That’s OK. When you set boundaries, you’re honoring yourself and telling people that you value yourself. You’re telling them that you have integrity and self respect.
Setting boundaries is not about being a bitch. It’s about speaking from a place of truth and honoring as opposed to fear. Remember, you’re building a whole new persona. People will see you differently and that’s OK! You are stepping into your core diamond power bravely showing others another facet of your most magnificent Self.
Are you a dreamer? Whether it’s about love, money, or health it’s very likely you have some vibrant visions of what you would like your life to be like. Maybe you want to learn how to make the perfect plum pudding, travel to Egypt and meditate inside the pyramids, hike the grand canyon rim to rim, meet your soul mate or reignite your stale relationship. The truth is whatever your mind conjures up can come true – yeah baby!!! But at the same time there are more things than ever competing for your attention and distracting you from your dreamscape.
In my coaching practice I’ve found that every woman encounters distractions on the way to realizing her dreams. What separates those clients who succeed from those who don’t is whether or not they are able to get back on track with their goal focus. Since it’s inevitable you’ll be thrown a few curveballs the most important factor is how you handle the setbacks. Do you let the distraction take you down the rabbit hole or do you regroup, refocus and re-embark on the road to success?
While many situations steal our attention, I’ve found a pattern with the 3 biggest dream destroyers. These main three MUST be overcome if you want to experience the fabulous life you crave.
- Kissing: A 20-second kiss will raise his testosterone levels and make you feel closer.
- Moisturize head-to-toe: Applying lotion to your body guarantees that all of your skin will be touched and rubbed. For an added calming effect, use an aromatherapy lotion scented with lavender.
- Yoga: This popular fitness trend offers many of the benefits of touch because the poses involve rubbing limb against limb. Some Iyengar yoga classes also include a partnered practice-a great way to get your RDA of touching.
- Hugging: Full-body hugging increases closeness, connection and safety.
- Massage: The shoulders, hands and feet create an emotional release when touched. New York-based sex therapist Mildred Witkin suggests couples should practice touching in a way that is not explicitly sexual to keep intimacy and playfulness alive.
- Two to Tango: Dance classes are a great way to meet new people, and have your hand and waist held all evening long. Contact your local YMCA or dance studio for schedules.
- Back Rubs: Studies show that a daily back rub drastically reduces anxiety and creates positive changes in attitude.
Whether you are in a relationship or not, take the time to nurture yourself or your partner with some loving touch – it’s your gateway to intimacy, providing a powerful, solid message of care, support, acknowledgment and love.